Post by vertebraces on Jul 30, 2016 14:32:25 GMT
I find the question as to whether many claimed or diagnosed cases of abasiophilia are in fact that, or whether they are in fact undiagnosed, improperly diagnosed, and untreated, cases of some real disability, to be an interesting question.
I come to it from a personal viewpoint, and have found that my own case in point is reflected in the cases of a significant number of others.
Despite doctors, during childhood, having insisted that I was normal, strong, and fully capable, I actually was nothing of that sort. For example I could not throw a ball overhand, pitch a baseball properly, do a chin up, do gymnastics, and many other things that "normal" children could do. Despite the fact that I tried as hard, and usually harder, than the other kids. By the time I reached high school I was the worst failure in my physed class. There were simply too many things everyone else could do that I could not do.
I was born genetically male but never did develop male muscles and really did not develop pronounced male secondary sex characteristics of any sort. I was androgynous and even effeminate in many ways. However I did start out life as a boy who was always attracted to girls, and never to boys. My only fond memories of childhood play were really with girls, never boys. Boys were always very discriminatory, cruel, abusive. Girls tended to be far more kind, accepting, and the opposite of boys for the most part. I did my best to fit in with the boys too, and play their games, but always felt odd, uncomfortable, and wrong without knowing really why. Knowing why came much later. In social terms, and in terms of my body type and how it functioned, I was the wrong gender. I ought to have been a girl. The only way that I could have met Social expectations, even if that girl would have been entirely lesbian, not straight. My brain is totally lesbian, and so are my responses to men and women, on an inner level as to what appeals and what does not appeal about people. I did not choose that, but it is how it chanced to happen. On the other hand I treat everyone equally, and professionally, in formal Social situations without letting that bias my public life. On the other hand my personal life longs solely for a girl in my life who understands and accepts how I am and how I function on that level too. Unfortunately my exterior is still six of one and half a dozen of the other, and that makes it difficult to make any real ties with the right lady. I have always compromised myself and tried very hard to live a "normal" heterosexual, apparently male, life, despite how I function inwardly. Living my lie, some would call it. Was married for nine years, but I believe she wanted someone who was more "normal" and more similar to her own father.
What some doctors would diagnose as abasiophilia began in my adolescence, when I invented self bondage. It came about because I had "growing pains". Really a lot of pain in my back, neck, and shoulders. I invented bracing and it felt remarkably pleasurable to be bound up in that type of self bondage. I would make a body jacket out of cardboard, or bandages from whatever was available, as well as trying to fabricate neck, back or leg bracing from whatever metal or other materials I could find. There was a definite sexual component in that pleasure, that was significantly auto erotic. Then I began to feel attracted to instances of girls who wore braces. Particularly neck or spinal braces. It added a definite added attraction in many instances. Not only did I want to wear a brace, but I was attracted to others who wore them. I also wished I had far more external, diagnosable, deformity, disability, so I could be "treated",... ideally casted, braced, made obvious as to my disabled functioning and gaining the intense pleasure of being able to be bound that way, in a brace or something of that sort, in public, in real life, rather than secretly contriving such things, and hiding that from my family. The short lived attempts at it being interrupted by the threat of discovery and the extreme condescension that would come from that. It was an awful "closet" to be in.
I add that as I got older the pain in my neck, upper back between my shoulders, and in my lumbar area was worse, not better. So much for "growing pains". I complained to a few doctors. One claimed it was psychological without even ordering an xray or scan of my spine. Another told me "nothing wrong with you, you are a strong man". I gave up trying to seek diagnosis and treatment. Eventually I did obtain real braces. It started with a lumbosacral rigidly steel stayed corset, then some custom made spinal braces after that, followed by trying various neck braces. Some of them relieved the pain and increased the pleasure, even more than early experiments promised that they might.
When I took psilocybin, in the 1990s, I discovered that my own body image, in my brain, is in fact far more disabled, and can perceive a far more deformed and abnormal body than I see in the mirror and consciously typically think of myself as being. I perceived my body as having significant kyphoscoliosis, and my entire spine and body felt abnormal the way some sufferers of that condition appear prior to treatment. If I actually were, in physical fact, the way I saw myself as being, during that experience, I would have to wear a spinal brace full time. Perhaps use a wheelchair. Perhaps rely on KAFOs, due to weakness in my legs due to spinal stenosis. However, there are very real things about my very real body that are very congruent with that body image that my brain conjured up and gave me to experience. I am asymmetric, lop sided, slightly scoliotic, with a zoo of various other "minor" abnormalities and damage from life. The body image was simply an exaggerated version of reality, not entirely distinct from reality but derivative from my actual experience of my body and how it functioned. Exaggerated but not so very untrue.
In addition to my extreme gender dysphoria, and preferring so strongly to be more girl, and not forced to keep struggling to seem to be the stereotypic male that Society tends to demand of males, there is that "abasiophilia". I know I can never really be the stereotypical male that Society demands of me. It is utterly impossible and always was impossible. I am far too girl for that. On the other hand I am not fully and purely that either. There if far more ambiguity, and even for a good actor, which I surely have been and am, there are numerous roles I cannot actually play convincingly. That has always been a problem for me and Socially a major obstacle. If I had to define my gender it is made totally Gender Queer, GQ, as someone who does not fit the mold of Male as defined in our Society. It could be trans, M2F, if the circumstances supported and favored that. Then again what is a girl brain in a guy body to do ? How can she find a female partner who gets it and accepts the "as is" or supports the "changes" that she prefers to see as to something more girl as it certainly could never be more guy than it is. Those problems remain perennial and constant, despite my life being excessively, uncomfortably, dysphorically, "normal" in most outward appearances. I do confess to having taken some phyto hormones more recently, and loved the feeling as to what they did to my breasts. I always had "male breasts" but have to admit that I would love to have them grow to fully female breasts, and have to wear a bra, under my brace. I will surely have to wear a brace, more often, at some point in the future. My spine is not improving. The symptoms say that it is getting worse and I really do not want to experience fusion surgeries. A brace would be the only other option. The symptoms resemble Ehler Danlos syndrome, in terms of connective tissue disorder, coupled with some acquired damage and osteoarthritic changes, as well as some postural issues that I cannot willfully correct without bracing. I wear a neck brace at night and it helps greatly to keep me function, working, doing much of what I do, and I do a lot, but as to finding a suitable partner, that is another story. I keep getting mismatched with the wrong girls, who want "normal" males with "normal" attitudes and "normal" bodies. That feels like torture and worsens the dysphoria. To the extent that I have felt a growing desire for castration.
Vertebraces
I come to it from a personal viewpoint, and have found that my own case in point is reflected in the cases of a significant number of others.
Despite doctors, during childhood, having insisted that I was normal, strong, and fully capable, I actually was nothing of that sort. For example I could not throw a ball overhand, pitch a baseball properly, do a chin up, do gymnastics, and many other things that "normal" children could do. Despite the fact that I tried as hard, and usually harder, than the other kids. By the time I reached high school I was the worst failure in my physed class. There were simply too many things everyone else could do that I could not do.
I was born genetically male but never did develop male muscles and really did not develop pronounced male secondary sex characteristics of any sort. I was androgynous and even effeminate in many ways. However I did start out life as a boy who was always attracted to girls, and never to boys. My only fond memories of childhood play were really with girls, never boys. Boys were always very discriminatory, cruel, abusive. Girls tended to be far more kind, accepting, and the opposite of boys for the most part. I did my best to fit in with the boys too, and play their games, but always felt odd, uncomfortable, and wrong without knowing really why. Knowing why came much later. In social terms, and in terms of my body type and how it functioned, I was the wrong gender. I ought to have been a girl. The only way that I could have met Social expectations, even if that girl would have been entirely lesbian, not straight. My brain is totally lesbian, and so are my responses to men and women, on an inner level as to what appeals and what does not appeal about people. I did not choose that, but it is how it chanced to happen. On the other hand I treat everyone equally, and professionally, in formal Social situations without letting that bias my public life. On the other hand my personal life longs solely for a girl in my life who understands and accepts how I am and how I function on that level too. Unfortunately my exterior is still six of one and half a dozen of the other, and that makes it difficult to make any real ties with the right lady. I have always compromised myself and tried very hard to live a "normal" heterosexual, apparently male, life, despite how I function inwardly. Living my lie, some would call it. Was married for nine years, but I believe she wanted someone who was more "normal" and more similar to her own father.
What some doctors would diagnose as abasiophilia began in my adolescence, when I invented self bondage. It came about because I had "growing pains". Really a lot of pain in my back, neck, and shoulders. I invented bracing and it felt remarkably pleasurable to be bound up in that type of self bondage. I would make a body jacket out of cardboard, or bandages from whatever was available, as well as trying to fabricate neck, back or leg bracing from whatever metal or other materials I could find. There was a definite sexual component in that pleasure, that was significantly auto erotic. Then I began to feel attracted to instances of girls who wore braces. Particularly neck or spinal braces. It added a definite added attraction in many instances. Not only did I want to wear a brace, but I was attracted to others who wore them. I also wished I had far more external, diagnosable, deformity, disability, so I could be "treated",... ideally casted, braced, made obvious as to my disabled functioning and gaining the intense pleasure of being able to be bound that way, in a brace or something of that sort, in public, in real life, rather than secretly contriving such things, and hiding that from my family. The short lived attempts at it being interrupted by the threat of discovery and the extreme condescension that would come from that. It was an awful "closet" to be in.
I add that as I got older the pain in my neck, upper back between my shoulders, and in my lumbar area was worse, not better. So much for "growing pains". I complained to a few doctors. One claimed it was psychological without even ordering an xray or scan of my spine. Another told me "nothing wrong with you, you are a strong man". I gave up trying to seek diagnosis and treatment. Eventually I did obtain real braces. It started with a lumbosacral rigidly steel stayed corset, then some custom made spinal braces after that, followed by trying various neck braces. Some of them relieved the pain and increased the pleasure, even more than early experiments promised that they might.
When I took psilocybin, in the 1990s, I discovered that my own body image, in my brain, is in fact far more disabled, and can perceive a far more deformed and abnormal body than I see in the mirror and consciously typically think of myself as being. I perceived my body as having significant kyphoscoliosis, and my entire spine and body felt abnormal the way some sufferers of that condition appear prior to treatment. If I actually were, in physical fact, the way I saw myself as being, during that experience, I would have to wear a spinal brace full time. Perhaps use a wheelchair. Perhaps rely on KAFOs, due to weakness in my legs due to spinal stenosis. However, there are very real things about my very real body that are very congruent with that body image that my brain conjured up and gave me to experience. I am asymmetric, lop sided, slightly scoliotic, with a zoo of various other "minor" abnormalities and damage from life. The body image was simply an exaggerated version of reality, not entirely distinct from reality but derivative from my actual experience of my body and how it functioned. Exaggerated but not so very untrue.
In addition to my extreme gender dysphoria, and preferring so strongly to be more girl, and not forced to keep struggling to seem to be the stereotypic male that Society tends to demand of males, there is that "abasiophilia". I know I can never really be the stereotypical male that Society demands of me. It is utterly impossible and always was impossible. I am far too girl for that. On the other hand I am not fully and purely that either. There if far more ambiguity, and even for a good actor, which I surely have been and am, there are numerous roles I cannot actually play convincingly. That has always been a problem for me and Socially a major obstacle. If I had to define my gender it is made totally Gender Queer, GQ, as someone who does not fit the mold of Male as defined in our Society. It could be trans, M2F, if the circumstances supported and favored that. Then again what is a girl brain in a guy body to do ? How can she find a female partner who gets it and accepts the "as is" or supports the "changes" that she prefers to see as to something more girl as it certainly could never be more guy than it is. Those problems remain perennial and constant, despite my life being excessively, uncomfortably, dysphorically, "normal" in most outward appearances. I do confess to having taken some phyto hormones more recently, and loved the feeling as to what they did to my breasts. I always had "male breasts" but have to admit that I would love to have them grow to fully female breasts, and have to wear a bra, under my brace. I will surely have to wear a brace, more often, at some point in the future. My spine is not improving. The symptoms say that it is getting worse and I really do not want to experience fusion surgeries. A brace would be the only other option. The symptoms resemble Ehler Danlos syndrome, in terms of connective tissue disorder, coupled with some acquired damage and osteoarthritic changes, as well as some postural issues that I cannot willfully correct without bracing. I wear a neck brace at night and it helps greatly to keep me function, working, doing much of what I do, and I do a lot, but as to finding a suitable partner, that is another story. I keep getting mismatched with the wrong girls, who want "normal" males with "normal" attitudes and "normal" bodies. That feels like torture and worsens the dysphoria. To the extent that I have felt a growing desire for castration.
Vertebraces